Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
