she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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