Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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