i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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