Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
