Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
