You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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