He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
