sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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