why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
