I understand Curling. That high.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
