I hate your face
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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