We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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