sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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