I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
