Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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