Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
