I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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