I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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