If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
