i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
