What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
