someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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