She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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