i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
