Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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