I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
