I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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