yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
