Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize