There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
