dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
