I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
