I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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