apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
