im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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