i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
