My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
