I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
