you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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