you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
