i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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