if i can run in heels then i can drive
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
