Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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