Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
