i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
