Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
