U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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