FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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