I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
