I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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