I'm gonna have a badass scar
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
