I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
