i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
