You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
