FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
