I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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