I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize