apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
