seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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